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where the hell to eat tonite. [22 Oct 2004|07:43pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

We had the staff meeting this week and there was interesting fallout from it. The discussion arose as to weather the words paki and cunt had any difference. Because of time restraints we didn’t discuss it at any significant length but I think there is merit to having the discussion. I’m chairing our debriefing meeting on Thursday and I think I’ll bring it up as a topic. I really don’t think that the merit of having such a discussion will be seen though. I know a few people will see it but my boss I don’t think will. She has this belief that all the ‘ism’s are the same. I don’t hold that belief at all.
As a white woman (my boss) she has her place of white privilege. Someone calling her a cunt is not something that is an everyday or frequent experience. The word in and of itself is a different kind of adjective than Paki. Paki is the kind of word that is used to describe a group of people in a derogatory way, based solely on an outwardly appearance. No one really ‘looks’ like a cunt, but I do look like a ‘paki’. Also I honestly think that frequency has something to do with it. I grew up with people barraging me with wonderful adjectives like paki and sand nigger, and towel head. This is all highly contextual but then again its interesting that of the little informal survey I took at work all the people of colour thought I had validity in bringing up the topic AND that the two were not the same thing. But the non-people of colour thought that they were the same thing and ‘equally horrible’. This all begs further questions. Why do the people of colour see the difference in the two words? Why do non- people of colour not see the difference?
These are interesting questions but I think I can predict how the discussion will go. There will be a few givens:

1. I’ll be accused of splitting the ‘staff cohesiveness’ along racial lines (which is bad).
2. I’ll be perceived as just another coloured person making noise (bad and good).
3. This really won’t accomplish anything (probably bad).
4. Issues like this need to be raised often and repeatedly (good thing).
5. I have support from some of my coworkers to raise the issue (good thing).

I’ll try it out & think more about it. I could always just go with plan B & have a discussion about empathy – again.

Eh, either way, time for dinner. I hate it when I’m the one whos supposed to think of where to go. What are nice intimate restaurants in this town (Toronto, or GTA) for 2 people to have dinner in?

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[20 Mar 2003|12:52am]
War is an adventure from which there is no return.
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"the fag's in cosmetics" [10 Dec 2001|03:23am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

I was at my local Wal-Mart Saturday evening with my friend Joe. He was going there to buy blank CD's and to see his friend Mark who he goes to school with. So while we were in the isles perusing the assortment of blank CD's Joe told me about Mark. Mark is a very intelligent, articulate, funny, and very friendly. He composes music, and even wrote his own play that was performed on stage (Mark is 20 or 21). He loves Madonna and likes to read. Mark works as a sales associate at the Wal-Mart I was at.

So then we were going up the escalator we saw Mark coming down it. We reached the top and went back down and I was introduced to Mark. And we had a conversation and chit chatted small talk and the like. During the 15 or so moments Mark was chatting with us 4 people (Wal-Mart customers) came to ask him questions. He answered each person with a smile and was very courteous. We could tell that mark was busy so we let him get back to work and took our purchases (and the one item that Joe had to return) to the courtesy desk. While in line I noticed that I knew one of the assistant managers there. I also used to work at Wal-Mart and this Assistant Manager worked with me at the time (this was about 4 years ago and we were both sales associates at the time, roughly the same age). I went up to him, chatted and walked around the store a bit and stopped coincidentally in front of the cosmetics department.

In that time Joe had made his return and was at the cash register in the cosmetics department paying for his blank CD's. Mark was ringing his purchases through. I looked over and saw Joe standing there and he waved at me. At the same time my Assistant Manager friend looked over and remarked: "Oh they put the fag in cosmetics where he belongs". When my Assistant Manager friend said that, it was like a freight train smacked me in the face. Everything he said after that was a blur. I felt like he had just said that to me and not to Mark.

Mark is gay. I don't know how open he is about it, if he is at all. In the 15 minutes I had to get to know Mark he seemed like a very nice, intelligent, and articulate young man. But to my Assistant Manager friend he was nothing more than a fag who deserved to work in cosmetics.
This is why gay people commit suicide. It's because of the fact that even though they have lives that are so rich and full of so many different and interesting things, they are not seen as anything more than fags. They are not seen as anything more than dirty people who molest children, or nasty men who put cocks in their mouths or get fucked up the ass by other men. A person could be the most intelligent, creative, compassionate, honorable, patriotic, good hearted being alive. But if they are gay, then that's all they are. Nothing more. They are faggots, cocksuckers, asssbandits, and dirty fucking nasty homos. This is why gay people commit suicide, because as normal as they are, most people cannot get past the fact that they are attracted to someone of the same sex.

I found out when Joe and I left that the only reason Mark and Joe were at the cash register in the cosmetics department was because Mark saw Joe standing in line at the main checkouts and since Mark was a nice guy he offered to ring through Joe's purchases at an empty cash register; which happen to be in the cosmetics department.

I could have said something to my Assistant Manager friend about the comment he just made being offensive but I didn't. Partly because I was too stunned and partly cause I didn't want him to associate my sympathy towards gay people as a sign that I'm gay.

So Mark, I wanna say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I stood there silent, and I'm sorry that he said that.

People's names have been changed to protect their identities. Ideally I wouldn't have to do this, but then in an ideal world there would be no need to write this; it wouldn't happen.

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glad i aint 'gay' [25 Nov 2001|02:27am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I dont think its a coincidence that gay bois smell better, dress better, look better, and are just groomed better than their hetero counterparts. Gay male identity has become prominent and homogenized. The gay male is a prepackaged identity. I would ask how many of these nice smelling, perfect haired, clean shaven, primmed and proper gay bois have an identity of their own? No this is not to say that if I use an exfoliating body wash and herbal conditioner I have no identity or sense of individuality and am just a product of stereotypical gay culture, but there comes a point where the reasoning for doing this comes into question. Do I REALLY want to, or is this what the "gay lifestyle" is and Im just fitting into it.

Take coming out for example. The coming out "ritual" is now more of a makeover than an announcement, "Mom, Dad, Im gay" is followed by the removal of almost all bodily hair, getting your eyebrows done, pumping up those muscles, wearing your clothes one size too small, ripping the sleeves of all your t-shirts, and devoting your life to hedonism and a new fuck every weekend. And lets not forget the narcotic of choice to put you in that gayboy partying mood.

This is tantamount to creating an identity based on a sexual preference (and if you think that I mean being gay is a choice because I used the phrase sexual preference; I dont). If you asked a straight boy "Are you a leg or breast man" and he replied breast does that mean that he likes the colour orange and enjoys fucking in a parked car as opposed to the bedroom? Of course not. It would be preposterous to build a whole lifestyle around the fact that this straight boy likes breasts. That a private sexual preference determines so many areas of a persons public life seems very insane, but gay culture is built on this premise. Therefore it follows that because Im gay I like pink, I like to get it and give it up the ass, I love fucking in bathroom stalls, and I listen to 180+ BPM diva-house.

Homosexuality was invented in the 1860s. Before this you were either a sinner or a virgin, sexual relations were ambiguous and uncharted. Subsequently it was seen as a "sickness" with a list of "symptoms". At the end of the 20th century the "sickness" has been replaced with "lifestyle" and "symptoms" with "lifestyle choices"; the basic thinking remains the same as it was in the 1860s.

Gay people try to selfishly identify themselves as different, freakish or special and thats where they miss the point. The greatest desire of the gay community is to be treated like everybody else, but the only way to achieve this is to just get on with the unspectacular and unfabulous matter of everyday life so that nobody notices you; and thats the point.

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bye bye babies! [21 Oct 2001|12:56pm]
[ mood | busy ]

So I'm off to India.

YUP! Made the plan to go Friday, and I'm leaving at 1:55 in the afternoon tomorrow. People are like are you nuts to fly?!?! But if you seriously think about it, I guess now would be the safest plant to fly. I mean security is at an all time high and a hijacking is impossible. Besides, if my plane is hijacked and they blow it up, I mean there ain't anything I can do about it. A convo I had with a good friend of mine friend Friday morning went like this:

Friend: "What if your plane gets blown up?"
me: "Then I'll die"

I'm not worried about the journey there (Although it will be HELLA long, its a direct flight which is 17 hours long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). No my main concern is that the situation in Afghanistan and Pakistan and India gets to a point where the Indian government declares a state of emergency. OR people in India start killing/attacking foreigners. Then it will be VERY difficult to get out of the country, especially is I am away from the capital (New Delhi). Even though I may be as brown as the next Indian citizen, I reek of being a foreigner.

And that's it.

I'm excited to go. I know I' gonna have a REALLY fun time.

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ON a happier note.... [16 Oct 2001|02:54am]
[ mood | blah ]

Three of my friend have met people within the past 2 weeks. This is like hookup central!

way to go people!!

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heres a thought [16 Oct 2001|02:52am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

OK so I was just thinking around a few days ago and I came up with this little editorial piece. I know its a bit all over the place, but whatevs I wrote it at 4am. UGH I'm all pissy now for some reason. No I know the reason. You find one thing that you think is cool and you try and keep it to yourself and a few other people and then cause someone slips up it gets released to the general public and it no longer is this intriguing little thing. Its turned from a principle concubine into a common trashy street whore.
I think I'm gonna go on a rant now about people. You know what I hate couples in shitty romances that are going nowhere fast. Why do people want to stick with a person whom they know is no good for them but have this undying faith and hope of all hopes that "things will get better". I have seen very intelligent and smart people fall into this mind numbing trap; myself included. Why do we do this? It accomplishes nothing, and just makes us more miserable than we were had we broken up with our supposed "significant other" when the time was right. but NO we go on and on and take thing and put them past their death to give them some sort of meaning, struggling to mak them work even tho the people involved in them know that it is beyond repair.
For those who are reading this thinking "OMG he's talking about me!" you can relax, I;m not.

We have all heard the triumphant speeches by political and community leaders rallying a cry for a collaborative effort in America's New War. This new war is fought against an enemy that retired US military General Norman Schwarzkopf said in an NBC interview a few days after the attacks of Sept 11th that America is facing a "different kind of enemy. He is nowhere and everywhere, he is stateless, nameless, and works in the deepest and darkest shadows, and will take an unprecedented amount of time and effort to uproot and effectively eliminate". But how new is this war? The threat of terrorist attacks against the United States is not new. Although an attack of Sept 11th magnitude had never been perpetrated, it was foreseeable. Paul Bremer, chairman of the bipartisan National Commission on Terrorism, predicted in June 2000 that terrorist attack on the U.S. on the scale of Pearl Harbor was not that foreign of an idea and that the United States needed to take serious actions immediately to avoid such a catastrophe. It has also been heard that the CIA and the FBI had some inkling of "something big" hitting US soil as early as 1998. In light of all this (and more) compelling action, how were the events of September 11th allowed to happen? To answer this question we must turn back and look at the terrorist attacks against Americans during the 1980's.

There are many similarities that can be drawn from the terrorist attacks against Americans during the 1980's in Lebanon and the terrorist attacks perpetrated by Osama Bin Ladens organization, Al Qaida. In both instances the terrorist organizations had free reign within the states they operated within. No action was taken against them by their host countries, and therefore was tantamount to states sponsoring terrorism. Another similarity (which is increasingly staring to show) is the fact that terrorist are targeted for removal and termination, but not terrorism. Sheikh Fadhallah, Ayatollah Khomeini, Quadaffi, and Osama Bin Laden are individuals whom the United states has or is trying to catch and eliminate. But the bigger picture remains unseen; that these organizations exist and continue to exist even after the current incarnation of them is destroyed or perceived to no longer be a threat. Terrorism is not a single isolated threat, but one that evolves, and the tools and policies used to combat it must evolve also in a predictable and consistent pattern. Unlike the scenarios of the 1980's where each one had a differnet outcome. Any act of terrorism must be dealt with in a similar way, regardless of the body count associated with it.
Another major similarity in all of the previous terrorist attacks since the Reagan administration has been the United States' attitude and response. Going in while beating their chests, launching bombs from planes, and then after a few weeks or months, quietly retreating and claiming that a huge victory has been gained for humanity is a strategy that has failed time and time again. Negotiation is also something that does not work with these individuals and organizations. You can only negotiate with people who are trustworthy, terrorists by their nature cannot be trusted and therefore not negotiated with. President Reagan's most famous one liner was that the United States "will not negotiate with terrorists". But at the same time he was addressing the nation with these calming words, Iran Contra was in place. Also, during the hijacking of TWA 847, the terrorists had their demands met. They had won, and the United States cowered away in a sort of morbid belief that they had one more victory against terrorism.
The fight against terrorism is not a pretty one. Sacrifices must be made and policies must be adhered to staunchly and without wavering. The United States cannot continue to negotiate and try and settle with terrorists. Arms cannot be traded for hostages. It is an unsettling thought but had the Reagan administration not entered into the Iran Contra deals, and not negotiated with the hijackers of TWA 847, the message would be sent loud & clear to those who committed these acts with the preconceived notion that they would come out the victors. Just as America has learned from the terrorists, they too have learned that America, if pushed hard enough, will retreat or soften its stance.

Many lessons can be learned from the Reagan administrations dealing with terrorist attacks on American targets. One of the most important one's is that when the U.S. military didn't respond to the many terrorist attacks, terrorists came to expect no retaliatory action from the U.S. While the Weinberger doctrine was used at that time, a new doctrine of military for specifically related to retaliating against terrorist threats is needed. Only by achieving this and honing the tools and policies used to fight terrorism coupled with a unwavering stance on terrorist acts against Americans or American installations can the United States begin to control and slowly come ahead in this "new" war.

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Whoa, what a nite [07 Oct 2001|05:11am]
[ mood | tired ]

OK so tonight was an adventure 7 a half. So it was my friend Jay's birthday and we were all gonna go out. First to dinner then to Funk Asia. What's Funk Asia You ask? Well I stole this brief description which seems to sum it up: Shirtless boys make eyes at glamorous drag queens while worldbeat savants and revelers of all sorts savor the poly-rhythmic pulse as the GTA's South Asian diaspora descends for a taste of home. Hosted by the lovely DJ Zahra, Funk Asia is a monthly dose of spicy bhangra and chutney flavor, with dashes of soca, reggae, house and more. The fete catches fire at moody B-Side every first Saturday of the month (129 Peter St., 416-204-9660); Funk Asia's swelling crowds have outgrown Church Street's snug Red Spot, which played host to the party for the past three years.
OK so now you know what it is. We went to 7 West for a bite to eat and then after that we were all set to go. So we hop into a cab and get to Peter & Richmond and go up tot the door. THEN at that moment the adventure begins. Jay forgot his ID at home.FFFUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKK NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said in my mind, I did not get all decked out (and I looked GOOD) to walk the streets aimlessly and NOT go to Funk Asia. I have not been for a while and was looking forward to it. OK so we then meet this guy there and he's a friend of someone who was with us (we shall call this hot stranger RedBoy), and lemme just say, I would eat RedBoy alive.
OK so what to do now? Well we went back to our cars at Yonge & Wellesley. So were trying to decide what to do. I whispered to Ankur that we should say we are going home then just sneak off to Funk Asia, but then that would be wrong, I mean we did come out for Jay's Birthday.
So then we go to Zippers (eew eew and EEEWW!!). I was NOT happy at ALL. We get to the door and, SURPRISE SURPRISE! They are carding, so Jay has no ID (remember?) and we can't get in there either. GREAT! So then we head to Starbucks on Church St and get something to warm us up cause it was COLD outside tontie! While there who do we see on the street but RedBoy! It turns out they did not let him in cause he forgot his ID at home also. I;m thinking, ok the hottie is here, the evening cant be a total loss.

After much bickering, shouting, flying accusations, and Fran Dresher imitations, we decide to go to Manhattan (the club not NY).

Then things got better. We get in and hit the dancefloor. Manhattan is all about
R&B and hip hop. The club was packed, and the music was happening and soon we were all going nuts on the dancefloor.

We ended up having SO much fun!!! It was wikked! AND to top it all off, I didn't need to drink anything at all AND I got picked up by this cute boy!

We all had a blast, Jay's Birthday went from the proverbial dud to stud, and we loved it.

Moral of the story:
1. Always bring your ID.
2. Things happen for a reason, which at the beginning may not be that clear, but just go with it.
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I HATE the rain [05 Oct 2001|08:26pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

I'm sitting here and I' just really antsy. I need to get outa the house. I'm going over to my friends house to watcha movie soon, which reminds me I gota return a few blockbuster titles that have been sitting around here for WAY too long. Shit now I got the hiccups. I applied for this job that I really wanted and today I found out that I did not get it, now I'm like all depressed. Apparently I wasn't qualified for it and my "application was no the most suited for certain aspects of the position". Bull fucking Shit. I spent 4 years as a supervisor of en employment centre for youth. You'd think that an employment counselor job would be something I could do. For fucks sake I supervised an entire fucking staff of employment counselors. Dam, I'm pissed.
I'm gonna see Billy Hollywoods Screen Kiss That guy Sean Hayes from will & grace is in it. I love him, he's poretty funny and aparantly the only gay guy on Will & grace (yes boys will is str8).

Oh well, its time for blockbuster, i shall write again soon.

hrrm I wonder if anyone actually reads this. OH WELL! if you do lemme know, post a comment or two.


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my arms hurt [02 Oct 2001|04:59pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Ow, I went to the gym last night and I worked out and now my arms hurt.

I cant extend them fully, dam physical fitness is such a pain (literally). Today I was sitting around and just doing stupid things all day. I have to go and buy B & W film cause I got a photo shoot coming up soon. Hrrm which reminds me I should put photography as one of my intrests on my main page. I need to work on my portraiture skills. I stated this project where i'm gonna take portraits of all my friends and put them up in my room. Every person gets a single 8 x 10 photo.

I've got all the laundry staring at me blankly and waiting for me to pick it up and put it in the wash. Ugh, i'm soo in a blah mood, i just wanna beg and do nothing.

Maybe some vodka will cheer me up.

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First time [30 Sep 2001|09:34pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

So this is my little foray into the online journal. I;ve always wondered why people keep these things. Is it just cause they wanna, is it cause they have the incessant need to publicize their lives to strangers, or is it a reciprocating relationship that they have of voyeurism? You look into and my life detail and I'll do the same. Who knows, I'm doin it. I guess it'll be a way to express things. I like writing, maybe I'll post stuff I've written on here eventually.

Part of me wonders how much of the stuff I write here is traditional diary stuff and how much of it plays to the audience. Its like reality TV. Is that guy really that much of an asshole or does he do it cause hes on TV? Does anyone else wonder about these things or am I just a freak. Eh Either way, there are the things that make me go hrrm.

I know its crazy but I've been obsessed with John King (CNN senior White House Correspondent). I dunno why. I just think he;s REALLY cute. And its not just recently given the events of the past few weeks, its been a thing I;ve had for a LONG time. At least a year.

Hrrm I LOVE the song I'm listening to, its fill of SOOOOOOOOO many memories from hi skule & shit.

well i think thats it for now.
signing off

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